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| To no longer simply believe in what is, but to start to believe in what you want
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| So...
I can't sleep.
It's 1:41 AM, and I have to wake up and be on my way to class in 6 hours.
So, I'll get 5 hours of sleep if I'm lucky...more likely I'll get much less. Tomorrow will be a mess.
What's keeping me up is...inertia. Having stayed awake and slept late the past two nights
and too many things playing around in my mind -- just shadows, though. And they won't go down onto paper and leave me alone.
I keep seeing the green in Iowa and the white in Utah...and wondering why I'm stuck in this city, in these rooms.
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| Anyway, right now I'm in the midst of introducing myself to a brand new school -- a brand new class of students. In a completely different way from how I went about it at Iowa. Back then, I had friends, close ones, almost immediate ones it seems, and I really stuck with them all four years. I didn't do the student org thing until much later.
Here I'm starting fast and strong, joining student orgs left and right, talking to a much more varied caste of individuals -- who knows, maybe it'll work out. It's still lonely without any roommates though...
the last time I lived alone: freshman year in college, and even then it was in the dorms. Friends were only a door or two away.
Here it's entirely different, my entire class lives out east, north or south of the campus -- I am some 5 or 6 blocks to the west.
The walk is never bad -- but the proximity to other med students? Just awful.
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| So, I started out here in Hawaii, went through 18 rounds, shifted to Iowa, bounced back and fourth for a few, next a quick stop in Japan, then on to Chicago.
I wish I could write down better, more full memories than that...I suppose I'll have to work on it.
My only concern with a journal is this: would I ever read it again? Would I ever rather read my own journal than someone else's classic?
Maybe...maybe.
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| I am graduated. An engineer, no longer an engineering student. A medical student, no longer an undergrad.
But that's almost old news; the story of the minute: This is my last day here.
My last chance to eat what I've loved to eat for the last four years. My last chance to walk the campus. My last chance to buy software; to sit in this chair, in this apartment.
And I'm going to miss my friends. And I wonder how many of them I'll never see again. And I wonder if ...if I could just have another year here like the ones before. To do it right, because it feels like I did so much wrong.
One last lunch, one last dinner.
Then we're off
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